He allays my fears

1 John 4:18 

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love."

In recent days I have learned that unbeknownst to me, I have lived a life filled with fear: fear of the unknown, the fear to love, the fear to be the person God has called me to be, the fear to fall in love with myself and allow myself to exhale as a child of God; the fear to live in the freedom given to me in the Lord Jesus Christ. My heart has been riddled with fears within that have in turn influenced my decisions and life choices. 

A wounded heart is a fearful heart. 

For so long I have borne pain and anguish that catalyzed into fear. A fear so imprisoning that it killed the person that I truly am. Layers of protective cover and high walls shielded me, and especially my heart, from any impending danger, both real and perceived. What I thought were coping mechanisms for a broken and wounded heart were really a shield of fear that continued to hold me captive.

Over the years, my fear has driven me into a cocoon that at first seemed fine, almost the perfect setting for my life, but as realization has dawned on me in recent weeks, that cocoon has really been a prison. I thought that by being in this cocoon, then it provided me with the safe space to hide, to be obscure, to be unknown, to be anonymous; only then shall any hurt be minimized. 

However, I was wrong. Hiding here, in this cocoon, merely served to further sink me into somebody that I no longer recognized, though I argued that it was me learning and growing. Now I do realize that I cannot say I am learning and growing and yet I continue to kill who I really am. God did not create me to hide in the shadows. He created me so that my light can so shine before men and when they see my good works they will praise Him. 

I have been on a journey in the past few weeks. I have fought both God and the vessel that the Lord has continued and continues to use to get me out of the shadows of my fears. There are mornings I have woken up and literally pushed away any help or wanted to run back into the safety of my cocoon. At least in the cocoon, the darkness meant that I did not see what I needed to see in order to learn and grow. Being in the cocoon also meant that I was in control of who I was and hence determined the what, the how, the who, the where and the why of my life. 

However, out here, suddenly thrust out of this cocoon, I no longer have any control over my own life. I feel like God, in His own way, has taken full charge and I can no longer hide or run back into this cocoon that has given me shelter for so long. What has worked out for me in the past as a way of dealing with any anticipated danger, hurt, rejection, pain, disappointment is no longer working. You see, my walls have began crumbling and the carefully laid out layers around my heart are being peeled away. There have been moments of sheer terror as I wondered where all this is headed to. You see, I am so used to being in control, so much so that everything must make sense for me. There must be an explanation for everything, or so I thought, and here I am, continually hearing the words, "Trust me." How can I trust Him when He was there during the dark moments of pain, hurt and anguish? Still He says, "Trust me." and so I have put my hand in His and even though I squirm and want out, I know His hand is firmly holding mine, urging me on, nudging me on toward His perfect destiny, His perfect counsel, His perfect will. How can this be so?

I am listening to two songs this morning: "No Longer Slaves" by Jonathan David & Melissa Helser and "Natamani kutembea Nawe" by Rebecca Dawn, and there is a sense in which they have both spoken to my heart about trusting God. He knows the path that I need to take and He has promised to be with me all the days of my life. i should therefore not be afraid, because even when I look back at the years lived in the cocoon, He was always there, watching over me and leading me. He has guided me along life's paths, given me hope and strength and constantly assured me of His holy presence. 

As I stand at the threshold of a new beginning, a new season of my life, God is drawing me out of the cocoon. It is not easy since it means learning anew so many things, but I have put my hand in my Master's hand and I commit to following Him. On this journey He has graciously blessed me with a new acquaintance that has continued to urge me on even when I felt like giving up. He has opened me up to a whole new world of possibilities in Him and I find myself dreaming beyond my wildest dreams. Suddenly, my dreams, my desires, my ambitions, seem possible and I cannot wait to see what the Lord has in store for me. There is also that long-term friend that has been the quiet strength by my side who has continued to pray for me and encourage me not to be afraid to live life as God intends me to live. 

Indeed the Lord continues to allay my fears and I am no longer a slave to fear. There are songs of deliverance in my heart. The journey has just began and yet I sense a feeling of true liberty that comes with knowing that God loves me for who I am and He wants to relate with the little girl within me that has been stifled over the years. Each day in this past few weeks has resulted in a discovery that I am called to let my light shine and I cannot do that if I am bound by fear. 

He allays my fears, both within and without, and as a result, I am truly experiencing what perfect love is really about. 

Amen.