My heart trusts You Lord

Dear God,

I sit in the rubble that is my life and I am shattered by the losses and disappointments in the past. What started out as a promising life has had so many twists and turns that my heart no longer knows what to expect. This morning my heart feels so broken that I hardly know where to begin. Even as I celebrate the new beginnings that come with this month a sudden realization of human frailty hit me. I am slowly beginning to realize that You alone know the extent of my broken heart, my disappointments, my losses, and the impact these have had on me over the seasons. And while I may have seemed strong with the various happenings, I really am not that strong. My prayer time is characterized by deep groaning and tears that no man could understand except You my Lord. Tears have been my food all day and all night long and while I go through life, I know deep within I hurt, and I hurt so badly. I feel I am in this motion that I have no control over, and that with each loss and disappointment, I have felt my heart torn away, and all that remains is a soul that is fragile, a broken spirit, a dead body, a heart that has nothing to hold onto except You. It is not a comfortable place to be in Father, because I want to feel in control of my life, I want to be able to explain the happenings in my life, but for me, I do not have that luxury. I wish I could quote Bible verses and explain the happenings away but it does not work for me because with each loss, with each disappointment, I have had to turn my eyes onto You, and learn from You, and each moment has given me opportunity to see You in new light. 

More than ever, scripture has become Life to me, to my soul, to my entire being. I no longer turn the pages of my Bible as I did years ago as an act of discipline, but on each page, inscribed in truth and love, are words that speak to me, and I hold onto them, even when they do not make sense in my human understanding. And I so clearly begin to understand what it means not to lean on my own understanding but to trust in You Lord. Despite this, the question still lingers, “Do I really understand what You mean Lord?” I do not think so, and yet for me, Your Word will continue to be a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. I have also begun to understand the Sovereignty of Your thoughts and plans towards me Father and while some of them do not appeal to my humanness, I am learning that they are indeed better, perfect, and in the long run, they all work together for my good and for Your eternal purposes. 

And despite this, I still ask myself, “How do I rise out of this rubble? How can I begin to love and trust again? How can I sing and dance again? Where is the sound of my laughter? Where did the beauty go? Will I ever rise from the rubble, from the ashes? How long Lord? How long? How long will I continue to be in this rubble, mourning, weeping, with my heart so broken that I no longer know how it feels to be whole again? How long Lord? Where are You Lord?” Early in the morning I seek You and even when I know that You are closer to me than before, my soul hungers for the laughter, the delight, the joys, the care-frees of days gone past, when it was easy to trust, when it was easy to predict the outcome of prayer, when it was easy to tell the genuineness of those around me. Or was it? I don’t know.

Well, I sit in the rubble, and deep in my heart, I know there is a bright future because Your Word tells me so: “But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day.” (Proverbs 4:18). I don’t know what lies ahead but reading this Word this morning gives me a flicker of hope, of strength, of confidence, that all is not lost. Maybe I needed to die in order to live? To lose in order to gain? To weep in order to laugh? To mourn in order to celebrate? Maybe …

So many questions, so many tears, so much weeping, so much rubble, but in the midst of all these, my heart trusts in You Lord. You are God, and my life is continually before You, even as I am engraved on the palms of Your hands. 

In this new month, in this new season, my heart will continue to trust in the Lord. Some of the pain may never really go away, some of the disappointments have left an indelible mark upon my heart, but this same heart will trust in You Lord. You are all knowing. 

My heart trusts You Lord.