I gotta stop

It has been a while since I blogged and you can blame it on sheer laziness and procrastination. This is really bad. Sorry. However, I felt the need to write what was in my heart or has been in my heart since yesterday, and hopefully it will be a therapeutic session for me.

I woke up yesterday and texted my best friend, a woman who has walked with me through life's stormy path, and with whom we share life experiences that continue to enrich us so much. In the text I indicated that I was ready to run from a friendship that I am cultivating and either in her wisdom or her "busyness", she kept silent. Well, as I sat in a restaurant with a young lady, I heard these words in my spirit, "Luci, your heart says RUN but God says, STOP, LEARN and GROW." Later, as I sat in church, these words came to me and I have been thinking about them since. 

Am I running? And the hard truth is, "Yes." I have been running for the last five years and now is the time to STOP, LEARN and GROW.You may be wondering what I am talking about but in the real sense my life took a downward trend five years ago and I have been walking around with my heart hidden behind a stone wall; a wall so thick that penetrating through it would require a Joshua sort of faith of going around it seven times on the seventh day and only then would it crumble down. I have been running from myself and not allowed myself to experience the healing balm that comes with knowing God in a very special kind of way. While I have sought God and pursued Him in all possible ways, this time He has stopped me in my tracks and He is asking me to partner with Him and allow me to experience His healing as He leads me on a path of self-discovery, love and acceptance.

Confronting myself, the person I have become over the years, has revealed to me that I have devalued myself so much so that I never think any good will come out of life for me. Yeah, this may seem surprising because most people in my circle believe I am this confident girl who can move hills and mountains and who can take on faith risks like no other. Well, I have been thinking and I realize that deep within I am a little girl who is afraid to be hurt, afraid to be loved, afraid to open up, afraid to be judged, afraid to lose again. It's now coming back to me that I lost a significant amount of me, the person that God created me to be. I do realize that with my heartache came a sense of fear of relationships, fear of intimacy, and I have been running and the more I run, the thicker the wall around my heart. 

Well, one night I stopped, or was it early morning (sometimes I lose my sense of time because my sleeping patterns have also changed in the past few months), and I remember telling God, "I am tired!" I just felt so tired, like I had been on a treadmill over the past five years and my head was swirling, my heart racing, and I could not take it any more. This year I have really cried .... heartfelt tears that left me exhausted and gasping for breath like a little girl, and I think it has been in these cryings that cracks begun to appear on my wall. 

And even as I think about the words that I need to STOP, LEARN and GROW, I realize that I need to trust God on this journey, in this season, and allow the wall around my heart to come tumbling down. I need to believe that the Lord is leading me to a good place coz He has assured me that He knows the plans He has for me, plans of peace and not of evil, plans to give me a future and a hope. I am also beginning to learn and see that unless I STOP, LEARN and GROW, I will never experience God in certain aspects of my life. I am learning how to let go of my fears, anxieties, shame, pain, and allowing God to fill my heart with laughter, hope and peace. Hm, interesting ... we go through life and think we are okay, we got everything all together, but I now realize that when we genuinely walk with God, He reveals to us the areas of our lives that need working on, and in as much as it's not an easy process, it is important to learn from Him.

Who ever thought that I'd be on this side? And God knowing me, He had to do it Himself, and so I do not need to book an appointment with a therapist, I do not need to spend any cash ... all He is asking for is my cooperation and commitment to the process. Well, do I even know what each day entails? No. I am learning to be still, wait and learn from every moment. Just last week alone I learned how insecure I am and how much emotional tantrums I can throw and God is like, "Luci, that is not good at all; not healthy at all!" Talk of being in the Most Revered Counseling Session of all times and seasons. And interestingly, in the past two weeks my team of proteges and I have been reading the Chapters in the Book of John that deal with the working of the Holy Spirit, and so I know I am learning from Him.

A friend of mine advised me not to waste time in my friendship and I think this is the message I will carry with me during this season. It's amazing that what I considered normal behavior is actually unhealthy behavior and so here I am, a grown woman, learning lessons I should have learned a long time ago. I have opened myself up to the leading and guidance of God through His Holy Spirit, and this time, unlike in the past, I am not going to run. I need to stop, learn and grow in this 101 class. I believe that in learning and growing I will become a better person, especially because of where God is leading me to. I do not know what the future holds but I truly look forward to the day-to-day unfolding of His lessons coz He alone knows the end from the beginning.

I am at a very uncomfortable place and yet I cannot run. I dare not. And I cannot even run coz I have come too far to begin to run away. And so I will allow God to steer the path in this new found friendship and allow my cracked heart to experience healing, joy and laughter again. I cannot run anymore God. I am tired. Maybe now when I stop, learn and grow I will find my rest? Not maybe. Actually, it is only in stopping, learning and growing that I will find rest in my God; a rest that has alluded me over the years ---- rather my tears and pain clouded my vision so much so that I could not see His unseen staff shepherding me through His resting place. 

And so today I stop in order that I may learn and grow. The journey promises to be exciting but I also know there are those times when I will hurt and cry, and quickly consider withdrawing into my cocoon, but I am not so sure I can stay there any more than is necessary. I am finding my place again, and even though most often I feel uncertain, I am taking one step at a time, thankful to God for bringing my way a friend He is using to help me STOP, LEARN and GROW.

Lord, I gotta STOP, LEARN and GROW.