A year later ... Reflecting on my dad's death

I cannot begin to describe the past one year. 

There are times I sat in my bedroom alone and wept my heart out.

There are times I questioned God's wisdom in taking away my dad.

There are times I looked at his pictures, and no tear came to my eyes. Then there are those times I could not bear looking at the pictures, especially those we had taken with him. 

There are times I have wondered what his counsel would have been on a certain matter.

There are times I have smiled thinking about him: his jokes, his perspective on life issues, his love and kindness.

There are times I have cried silently in public and quickly wiped away the little tear that formed at the edge of my eye.

There are times I have wondered if he died peacefully, or how he felt in his passing on, or whether he was ready to go.

There are so many times I have missed him.

There are times I have blocked my mind from thinking about him. 

There are times I have wished he was here to witness all the good things happening all around us.

And yet ...

In all these times, God's voice has stilled me, and His peace and comfort have filled my heart. 

In all these times, I felt the everlasting arms of my Father in heaven beneath me. 

In all these times, the grace of God has been evident and unless one has walked this path, "grace toward those who mourn" remains just a mental phrase.  

In all these times my Father in heaven has wiped my tears and never reprimanded me for crying or for feeling angry or disappointed. 

In all these times I have continued to learn that indeed God is Father to the fatherless and husband to the widows. 

So while I long for my dad, I also know that in his death I have gained a perspective of God I never knew before, and that a new chapter opened up, not just for me, but for my mum and siblings. Life will never be the same, but the Lord Who has promised that He has good plans for us, plans for peace and not for evil, plans to give a future and a hope, is the Lord in Whom I put my trust. I also know that I serve a God Who is not a liar and so His promises will come to pass. In the death of my father I have rediscovered my identity, and that identity lies in Christ, and so I can confidently say that in Christ I live and move and have my being. 

And God: I will always remember Your still small voice on the one night I wept so hard and you whispered, saying, "Luci, in death there is life." And with tears rolling down my cheeks I asked You, "How?" And gently You led me to the scripture in John 12: 24 "Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain." and even though the context of it refers to Jesus' death, You opened my eyes to the Truth that in papa's death, a seed had been buried, and now as a family we stood on the brink of harvesting much grain. Dear God, that Word, and the understanding You gave me is what has continued to spur me on to realize the dreams You have entrusted to me. Many are the times I have thought of giving up, settling down along the easier path, but I remember that papa's death was a price he paid so that we, as his children can live his legacy, and in part fulfill His dreams even as we embrace wholeheartedly the dreams You, as our God, have for each one of us. 

When You asked me in 2007 if in stripping me of one of my dreams I would still have my identity in you, I did not know that the journey I began then would have involved the death of my dad. Maybe I should have said "No" but then what would it have profited me to thrive in a worldly perspective and lose my soul?

As I think about the past one year Lord, even with the pain and the sense of loss, I can still stand up and testify that indeed in Christ I live and move and have my being. Glory be to Your Name Lord.

Amen.

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
    is God in his holy dwelling."

Psalm 65:8